Pardon My Presence
apologizing for our creative unfolding
“There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.”
~Hamlet Act II Scene II
dear creators,
“Oh, no, this isn’t anything good— I’m just messing around!”
Have you ever had such a feeling or response when someone checks out something you’re working on— especially when you don’t really know what you’re doing? For whatever reason, it’s common to feel the need to be dismissive and apologetic for our creative investigations/impulsive expressions. I wonder when this belittling ego reflex manifests in each of us (and if anyone is able to completely dodge it)?
I’ll admit that I sincerely intend to bring this feeling/response out front and centre in all of my classes, so I get to hear it from students a lot. I do this by offering very little structure, few steps, and never specific results. When learning something new it really helps to be observant— and I’ve noticed we are less observant when we have preconceived ideas.
Without a prescribed structure, I encourage playful interaction with a medium while calmly noticing its nature without a goal in mind. It’s much like happening upon the scene of a toddler halting in the middle of a puddle, then squatting down to look at the water while they drag their finger along its surface. Would you be expecting a masterful execution of something in the water? Now picture the child looking up at you and saying: “Oh, no, this isn’t supposed to be anything— I’m just playing around!”
This is the feeling I get when I witness my students getting to know their medium and I take in their flustered self-conscious apologies for a naturally unfolding experience. It says a lot that we feel compelled to pardon the results of our sincere creative research that comes through the difficult practice of patience and surrender.
Just to be clear, I’m not saying that I see all of my students as toddlers— not in a negative way. What I mean is, I’m hoping to offer space for everyone to be completely present without ego interference; a consciousness we once embodied when we were too young to know any different.
This isn’t the only path to cultivating creative expression but it’s my favourite and the most unhinged from external forces. Internal forces, however, will need to be faced head-on. This is a route that requires a meandering saunter and many pauses. If you’ve ever gone for stroll with a toddler or an elder dog, you know what I’m talking about. Imagine having a clear destination in a tight time-frame with either of those and I’m sure you can literally taste the frustration that would go along with that.
Expression that isn’t reaching for anything in any particular time frame allows for a loss of self (or self-consciousness) and that absence leaves more space for what is commonly recognized as being in the flow. This sweet spot isn’t necessarily gonna generate perceived productive results and may seem totally pointless based on existing ideas, standards, plans, etc.— one reason why our egos feel the need to be sorry for it.
(Could’ve watched my nephew’s unapologetic creative flow for hours. Like watching the sky or the ocean…)
I’m currently reading an extraordinary collection of Zen journals and letters by Maura “Soshin’ O’Halloran called, Pure Heart, Enlightened Mind. Many times she expresses something that I recognize through my own creative practice. Like when she mentions a feeling of luminosity…
“This morning I read Dogen’s commentary on Gensha’s ‘one bright pearl.’ During zazen I kept repeating, “The entire universe is one bright pearl.” I felt luminous. Everything really was a divine light. Couldn’t help smiling. If that had been a koan, I’d have to say “There is no pearl, no universe, only BRIGHT.”
***
As always, I feel as though I’m reframing the same themes and concepts here in hopes that at least one of these notes will ring out some truth or open a field for somebody.<3
Anyone catch that planetary alignment this eve?
Warmthness,
~Corrie