Unassuming Allies
And the loss of a beloved one
Dear Creators,
I’m imagining and hoping that the following letter will be cathartic in some way for you as well as I— knowing that we all struggle to make sense of losing a loved one and have to find our own way to peace in the aftermath.
This month I parted with my dear friend and elder dog, Sadie-Pony, and I’m still reeling from unforeseen sensations that my intellect is ill equipped to contend with (and couldn’t remotely prepare me for).
Having said that, I’d like to employ my intellect to say something about my relationship with this special animal and her influence on my creative expression—even though I’m only just beginning to comprehend the extent of this in her absence.
The wondering part of me has done its best to sit quietly alone and face all of the overwhelming feeling head-on. When I do this, there is a deafening silence in the house that leaves my ears ringing like crazy. Did she actually breathe that loudly or am I simply experiencing the void left by the magnitude of her presence that I took for granted?
When I brought Sadie (aka Sade, Pony, Sadie-Boo) home as a nine week old in 2007, I was at an all-time-overworked-low. I couldn’t really identify what I was going through at the time (asking for help isn’t my thing), but I felt very close to death in a soulular way. I was completely numb on the inside and fantasized about sleep constantly— while awake, I was sort of outside my body and just barely clinging to consciousness.
Something in me knew what it was doing by bringing that particular pup home. She wasn’t really the snuggly, sappy type— but it was her sassy, freewheeling, curious, protective, too-smart-for-her-own-good, provocative, skittish, uncompromising, sensitive, wild beaming spirit that brought me back from the dead. It was as though she freely expressed all the qualities I had repressed in myself (the ones I really need to feel alive and make art)
(Makin’ snow angels on a slope)
Through some surface skimming research I found that there are various cultures that have given dogs a role in human death (but not the inside kind I just described…I don’t think). I won’t go into any detail but along with being human companions and guardians, dogs have also served as hellhounds and psychopomps, or guides to/through the afterlife.
I find it curious that beloved hounds were (still are?) known to be guiding and protecting us in death when Sadie guided me back to life. How many of you have had this experience with an animal? (All those animal-healing-power videos out there always leave me bawling!) But I suppose to be trusted and revered in life, it makes sense to have esteem in the spirit realm. Whatever any particular past or current beliefs might say, to me it all points to a sacred bond.
Through this bond, Sadie not only reconnected me to my nature but to all of nature. I had forgotten how essential it is for me to be in forests and fields directly under the sky— just getting out and wandering without purpose (okay, so maybe I was trying to tire her out sometimes!). I can’t tell you how many creative ideas came to me or solutions I bumped into while strolling with her.
When I was writing or making things, Sade would be at my feet or under my studio desk with me always. I would completely lose track of time (and sometimes reality) and Sadie would stand up out of the blue and demand we go for a walk by putting her face on my keyboard and then roaring at me. Those walks would fully revive me— and I know my back and hip-flexers always thanked her.
(This was her spot with me right up until the day before she passed)
**At this moment my computer is telling me that it’s battery is about to quit and I realize it’s 7pm and I haven’t had lunch or dinner since I started writing…I’m thanking my computer and Sadie both:) But I gotta admit that it’s a big deal getting my ass out for a jaunt in our March full-on winter weather without the Pony!**
On another level, it’s occurred to me that Sadie’s grounding force supported me in entering chaotic realms— those spaces of mystery that challenge and overturn everything we think we know and believe. My creative practice demands that I journey to these expanses and Sade seemed to be able to bring me back from my own subtle trance states with her truth of simply being. I’ll have to trust that there’s enough of her essence left in and around me to keep me from going too far out.
I’ll probably need to learn to implement more of my own grounding force as well. Novelist Haruki Murakami once said something about needing to run daily in order to find his way back from writing— where he entered deeply into his unconscious mind. Maybe I’ll come back to this topic in another letter:)
To avoid getting carried away with more elaboration regarding the Pony’s influence, I’m just going to lay out a list of her teachings:
If something smells good to you, no matter how revolting it may seem to someone else, make sure you roll in it with vigour.
If someone barks orders at you, just bark back similar nonsense.
Howl at people to greet them— even if it scares them.
Don’t bother fetching things, but do mess with the fetching games of others.
Do spontaneous and extraordinary things often, but never let those things be caught on camera.
Stay very close to your loved ones while inside your home but once outside, ignore them & take advantage of your freedom.
Be discerning about what you eat— not all treats and popcorn are equal.
If anyone is in your personal space, lick them away ferociously.
Be respectful to all cats.
If someone leaves food out that they don’t want you to have, wait until they return and can see you enjoying it— they may even chase you.
Wade in all the mucky puddles with delight.
Wake up every single morning with a smile on your face. No exceptions.
If you are left alone all day, be sure to spend the entire evening demanding special treatment and a steady flow of food.
Make snow angels as long as your body will allow it.
After receiving a gift, take it to a comfortable place and really savour it.
Claim your spot on the couch. Stare anyone down who tries to sit there. Also, take up the entire couch whenever you can.
Let the people you love sleep in.
Be wary of: hats, umbrellas, spicy food scents, blowing garbage, lumps of snow, loud sounds, pictures of other dogs or wolves, strange instruments hanging on walls etc. oh, and any ‘disturbance in the force’.
Engage in frequent tug o war until your teeth can’t take it.
If someone is really upset with you, just grin and pounce around playfully out of reach.
Never show any signs of guilt for anything you’ve ever done.
No weather or temperature should ever keep you from enjoying a walk.
Be sure to launch yourself off a waterfall by accident at least once.
No matter how scared, frustrated or annoyed you are, make as much scary noise as you need to while still wagging your tail—but never actually bite anyone.
It’s okay to love lots of people and also have your favourites.
Be yourself and you will be loved even if your breath smells like a mushroom plant.
If anyone makes eye contact with you, get in their personal space.
…
It’s now blatantly apparent that every aspect of my life and the people in it have been shaped by this beautiful animal for the past sixteen years. Even the house and everything in it seems stunned by her passing. I’m gonna do my best to live well like she taught me, until we meet again <3
So damn grateful,
~Corrie
(some of my fav pics below)
I love this list and the sharing of your dear Sadie Pony.
Awe Corrie such beautiful memories ♥️